Who's On Top?
by Katie.Madison
Summary: (Post-War/Epilogue) Everyone in the ninja world decides to put aside their differences, come together and come to a consensus about the multi-faceted Sasuke-X-Naruto relationship. It's really too bad that the boys aren't even together. SASUNARU. Fluffy, romantic humor.
1. The Gay Icons of Konoha

_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own Naruto or any part of its affiliated franchises._

_**A/N:**__ Hello, all of you lovelies! I am infinitely sorry for my ridiculously long fan-fiction-hiatus! Recently, however, I have gotten back into the mood and have been re-reading and writing out my old stories. Soon, I shall have them all updated and revived! On a more relevant note, this story will be relatively short (10,000) and full of crude humor, soft romance and fluff. Lord only knows what's going on in the manga but you can consider this a sort of SN alternative-universe epilogue._

_- Love, K.M._

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**Who's On Top?**

"Thanks for the reports, you two," said Iruka, smiling as he received Sasuke and Naruto's mission report scrolls at the commission desk. He skimmed through the contents of Sasuke's neat handwriting, nodding at the thoroughness of their performance. "Always exceptional work with you two together... but that's to be _expected_, I guess..." he commented with a wink, chuckling to himself as he placed the scroll in its proper pile and checked off something on his master list. "As always, payment will arrive by the week's end."

Sasuke and Naruto both exchanged glances.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, sensei?!" demanded Naruto, slamming his hand on the desk.

Iruka frowned. "Do you really need ramen money that badly, Naruto? I told you that you needed to manage your finances better!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "No. He meant the 'exceptional work with you two' part."

Iruka smiled so wide his eyes closed. "Come off of it, boys, I know you too well. Sasuke, you don't have to lie to me about your... _you know._"

"Our what?" Naruto insisted, leaning forward so that his face was only a few inches from the chunin.

"Your relationship!" said Iruka, shifting to prop his chin on his palm, as though their relationship was, in fact, the most obvious thing in the world.

"WHAT?!" Naruto screeched, reeling back from Iruka as though he had been hit. Sasuke opted to growl the same word as menacingly as he possible could, moving around to join the blonde in glaring at Iruka.

"Don't be that way, boys! Konoha's very accepting! And just about everyone ships – I mean, _supports your relationship,_" said Iruka, holding his hands up in a sign of innocence.

Naruto scowled. "Well, Sasuke here might be gay but I most certainly am not gay. I like girls! _With tits_! I trained with Jiraiya for three years, sensei! And even if I was gay, why in the name of the Sage of The Six Paths would I want to be with this sex-less, Uchiha she-man?"

Sasuke managed to spare Naruto a brief exasperated look before glaring back at Iruka. "Ignore him," he said sternly, "Who started this insane rumour?"

Iruka smiled from ear-to-ear. "Nobody started it, Sasuke. It was more of a general acceptance of a known fact."

Sasuke smiled back mirthlessly, managing to look both insane and attractive. "That would be _heart-warming_, if it weren't for the fact that we aren't_ in_ a relationship. Now, I'm going to ask you again - who is responsible for spreading this ridiculous bullshit?"

"Yeah!"

"Boys! Calm down-"

"So it's official, huh?" Sakura interrupted suddenly. The pair were so caught up with fuming at Iruka that they completely missed the arrival of their teammate and Hinata Hyuuga, who were now congregated behind the two boys.

"Sakura? Hinata? What's official?" asked Naruto, scratching the back of his head.

"Us, you idiot!" growled Sasuke, elbowing him in the ribs.

"Oh yeah! Us. Wait, what?" asked Naruto again.

Before anyone could answer him however, Hinata began crying, uselessly trying to hide away her tears beneath the sleeve of her jacket. "Oh Naruto," she sniffled. "I-I just want you to be h-happy. You've done so much for m-me and the village and I-I HOPE THAT SASUKE KEEPS YOU HAPPY, OKAY? "

With that, she broke out into quiet sobs, slowly retreating to one of the chairs kept by the water-cooler.

Naruto looked at Sasuke, then Sakura, then Hinata and then at his own two hands before deciding that the most appropriate reaction to the situation was to yell, "I'M CONFUSED AS HELL. BELIEVE IT."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and addressed the weeping girl. "This isn't what it sounds like," he insisted.

"Oh really, Sasuke? Because I feel like this is _exactly_ what it looks like," interjected Sakura. The medic ninja looked so utterly done Sasuke, that he was unable to protest. With her hands on her hips she examined the two boys before her. "I love you both a lot so I'll support whatever you do, but I can't help but think this is ridiculous... Wasn't Naruto always in love with me? And wasn't Sasuke... always not... in love with anybody? You know what though? Whatever, as long as Naruto doesn't come limping to Team Seven meetings, I don't really care."

With a flip of her pink hair, she handed her and Hinata's scroll in, nodded to the academy sensei and sauntered out - vigorously nodding Hyuuga heiress in tow.

"Wh-Why would I be limping?" asked Naruto, staring wide-eyed at the Uchiha.

"Tch. Idiot," he replied, turning away so the blonde couldn't see his blush.

"Is it cause Sakura's going to beat me up because I stole you away from her?! I don't even like you! She can have you, but I thought she got over you a long time ago! She's got horrible taste in men anyway."

"Oh Naruto, you won't be limping because of Sakura's jealous fists. You'll be limping because Sasuke's going to pound your ass into the mattress so hard you'll forget your own name!" giggled a very gleeful Kakashi leaning against the door-frame.

"KAKASHI!"

"ERO-SENSEI!"

"Sorry, boys, but everyone know it's true!"

"Alright, that's _it_! I'm going to kill the person who started this rumour!"

"Bastard! Why are you even offended? Everyone thinks you top in our pretend-relationship - which would obviously never be the case in real life if we actually got together."

"Naruto, don't focus on the parts that don't matter."

"Of course it matters! Here I am, next-in-line for Hokage, the epitome of macho, heterosexual manliness and people still think your girly ass could top mine."

"...Not only did you cry during _The Notebook_, which was really just a bunch of sad tropes, and _A Walk To Remember,_ which was a study of bad acting, you-"

"Well, that sensitivity just adds to the gentle, chibi-seme vibe, Sasuke," interjected a saccharine voice behind them. Both guys turned around in time to see Iruka smile sweetly at them.

"Excuse me?" ventured Sasuke, not entirely sure what the words 'chibi' or 'seme' meant,.

"Oh my gosh! You're so tsundere, Sasuke! I love it - just like the typical bishie-uke" and the chunin continued gushing in what appeared to be an unknown language.

"Bishie-uke?" tried Naruto, glancing over at Sasuke and trying to see if he could deduce what those words meant by staring at his friend's features.

"Oh hell no, Naruto would_ totally_ be uke, he's so cute and eager and he would let Sasuke do whatever he wanted to him because he just loves to please his Ice Prince seme. And obviously Sasuke can only truly connect to his inner feelings when he's with his precious little blond boyfriend," countered Kakashi as he placed one hand on his hip and the other on his chin, nodding furiously.

"Eh? EH? Ice Prince seme? Chibi seme? Bishi uke? What?!" cried Naruto, clutching his head in his hands and glaring at the two distracted senseis.

"... Is this what it feels like to be Naruto in math class?" wondered Sasuke aloud, as he searched his memory for any previous usage of those words.

"Oh, get the fuck out, Sasuke!"

"Well it's true, idiot!... But, in all seriousness though, I have no idea what is going on."

"Same."

In the few seconds their banter had occupied, several other ninja around the mission desk had joined the senseis' conversation and were adding their own opinions.

"Obviously," said Anko, rolling her eyes, "Naruto would top. He'd be the one to take the initiative because the Uchiha's frigid."

"Yeah, but as soon as he got in the mood," argued Genma, "Sasuke would definitely take control and Naruto would love all the attention since he's such an attention whore!"

"FRIGID?"

"ATTENTION WHORE?"

"Who the hell are you even? Do you know anything about us?" hissed Sasuke as Naruto nodded emphatically alongside him. "We've barely ever spoken to you at all!"

"Well, you guys kind of are gay icons these days," Iruka explained happily while pointedly ignoring Kakashi (who was making a very emotional speech about how semes can't have big, expressive eyes like Naruto).

The two boys whipped around. "Gay icons?"

"That doesn't matter!" boomed Tsunade making a very grand entrance through the front doors with Shizune and Tonton behind her, cowering behind the thrown open doors. "What matters is who tops in your hypothetical relationship. I put all out-going missions on hold until we figure this shit out."

"Here here!" cried the ninja, pulling out notebooks and ball point pens to begin writing out their arguments for their seme of choice."

Naruto's mouth hung agape and Sasuke tried twice to unsuccessfully dispel a genjutsu that he hoped he was under.

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_**A/N: **__It's a bit crack-y, yeah? Don't worry, it'll mellow out soon enough but (hopefully) retain the humor. _

_So, what did you think of it? Leave me your thoughts!_

**UPDATE: **This chapter has been edited!


	2. The Lesbian Librarian

_**A/N:** I have procrastination issues. And issues with indecision, I re-wrote this chapter like three times before I was okay with it. I'm still not okay with it actually. *sighs* I'm probably being a bit over-dramatic. Anyways, __I hope you like enjoy it very much! Enormous shout-out to all of my reviewers and those who favourited/followed the story - your support makes me feel all tingly inside._

_Love, K.M._

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**Who's On Top?**

With the unparalleled speed and determination of ninjas defending their ninja way, the jonins and chunins took off in random directions, leaving Naruto and Sasuke standing completely dumbstruck in the center of the mission hall.

Sasuke moaned low in his throat and pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering when his life had switched from being a deeply-disturbing, existentialist tragedy, to an equally-disturbing, senseless romantic comedy.

It took Naruto a few more seconds to finally recover from his shock and remove his jaw from the floor - however, unlike his Uchiha counterpart, Naruto was never one for brooding over deep thoughts within himself. He shook his head rapidly to clear it a bit and said, "We aren't even in a relationship so why is anyone even thinking about this weird stuff. Everyone in this village is crazy! Like, we got the whole left wing to rebuild and the Water Country's in shambles but our top priority is figuring out who's bits go in who's butt."

"Oh, shut up!" hissed Sasuke, embarrassment tightening his voice, as he turned to face away from his friend.

Naruto was just about to make a retort when he noticed that the Uchiha had shoved his hands down his trouser pockets and was pretending to be distracted by some pebble on the floor to avoid meeting Naruto's eyes. And Naruto was no Uchiha or Hyuuga or whatever, but he was pretty sure the brunet was blushing lightly.

As if on cue, Naruto could feel face heating up. Did he really just say 'who's bits go in who's butt'?

There were a few moments of heavy silence as both parties said nothing.

At the forty-five second mark, however, Naruto cleared his throat so awkwardly that Sasuke had to look up from his feet just to glare at him. The blonde gave an innocent close-eyed, teeth-baring grin.

"Are you still taking me out for ramen?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes at his friend's single-mindedness but nodded nonetheless. "Fine,' he said, opening the door for his companion, 'So long as we stop for real food afterwards.'

"Ramen!" cried Naruto, sidling up to Sasuke's side and wrapping himself around his left arm. "Let's go!"

Sasuke was beginning to see why people might speculate about the two of them. Still, he was never one to care for appearances, and he had gotten used to the dobe's physicality over the years, so he simple strolled out of the hall, half-listening to his companion's ramblings.

"But in all honesty though," Naruto said in a suddenly serious voice as they turned onto the main road, "We should hit the library or something to look up what 'uke' and 'seme' mean."

"Hn. Not a half-bad idea."

...

On the other side of town, inside the therapy ward of the Konoha General Hospital, Sakura, Ino and Hinata found themselves in a rather... 'heated' discussion.

Well, rather Ino was laying lavender in each of the room's vases to encourage the sleeping patients to remain sleeping, while Hinata and Sakura whisper-screamed at each other from across the room.

"Hinata, I know you like how sensitive Naruto is, and I think he's sweet too, but there is just no way that Sasuke would let some weeping, tender guy be his seme! He would definitely take charge. Sasuke would do him hard and sensuous to satisfy Naruto's emotional sides and insecurities. He'd take him from the back too, making Naruto bite his pillow hard as he held him down and just possessed him completely, nails digging into his hips. _Ohh. _Naruto's always felt so lonely, he'd love for Sasuke to bite and mark up his neck, make him his. And the _things_ Sasuke would whisper into Naruto's ear - he's got such a gorgeous voice and such a vulgar tongue when he wants to - he could just bring him off without a single touch to his cock. Gods, _yes. _That's obviously how it would go down!"

"But Sakura, you've forgotten how confident Naruto's become and how Sasuke has still not fully come to terms with himself yet. You can see it in his disconnected eyes, and how he still sighs about missing Itachi! He needs someone to praise and love him and since he's so proud and stoic in his public life, he would totally submit to Naruto in his personal life. Let him take control and give what he really wants but would never admit. Naruto would just worship his body and tell him he's perfect too. And can you just imagine the foreplay? _Mmm_, Naruto would prep him so gently with his fingers and his tongue, making sure that's he's not hurt, running his tan hands all over Sasuke's pale, flushed body to make him squirm and want. Sasuke would have such a beautiful flush and he'd just beg for it by the end. Oh, _Please!_"

Ino was almost panting by the time she finally finished placing the flowers in their vases. She just barely managed to reign herself in and covered her blush with her long bangs and slender fingers. Who knew these kunoichi had such _imaginations? _The blonde grinned happily - they weren't even full-fledged fangirls yet!

She began giggling softly as the girls argued some more, until the volume of her laughs drew the other two girls' attention. Although they were beyond aroused and completely distracted, they managed to shoot the blonde puzzled looks as she hiccupped and stuttered. "Oh ladies," she managed finally, "There's no need to fight when we have _Kage Bunshins, _and roleplay!"

The puzzled looks persisted so Ino elaborated.

Although Hinata looked mildly scandalized by the thought of using ninjutsu for sexual pleasure, both she and Sakura followed Ino as she led them to her secret stash of yaoi hidden under the false bottom of her underwear drawer.

By the end of the day, Sakura and Hinata were both inducted into the Konoha Yaoi Association (raising the total number of members to a resounding three) and were thinking thoughts that they had never thought before.

Nevertheless, as much as Ino tried to make the girls see the beauty of switching, topping-from-the-bottom and clone threesomes - each lady held their respective belief about which boy would top.

"Sasuke's jaw is too slender and his hair is too stylized. Also his skin is just begging to be ravished," mused Hinata, the greater part of her mind occupied in a fantasy.

"Naruto's eyes are too emotive and his lashes are too thick. He's too short and he pouts too much," replied Sakura, more out of obligation than anything at this point as she was concentrating too hard on a high school yaoi she was reading

"Newbs," said Ino, with a roll of her eyes. She ventured downstairs to prepare some snacks for the new members of her 'association.'

...

Several bowls of ramen, two grocery bags full of rice, vegetables and assorted healthy stuff later, Sasuke and Naruto found themselves standing in front of the Konoha Library. With a deep sigh, Sasuke led the two of them towards the back of first floor where the librarians stood behind their check-out desks.

Moving to stand directly in front of a young female librarian, Naruto got straight down to business. "Hi! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! Can I get a book, hopefully one that's less than 400 pages if you don't mind, on 'ukes' -_OOMPH"_

"Ukraine! He's talking about Ukraine! Oh Naruto, that's not the proper abbreviation for Ukraine anyhow... hehehe...What he actually means is, would you mind pointing us in the right direction for contemporary fiction novels... from Ukraine...?"

Mentally strangling himself for coming up with the worst explanation in the whole world, Sasuke aimed his most attractive grin at the young librarian and hoped she wouldn't ask them anything.

However, luck was not in Sasuke's favour.

The librarian smirked right back and said, "You're super hot and all, but I'm a lesbian, baby. Not really interested... And not likely to judge, anyway. Still, since I'm obligated to answer your questions, I'll say that you can find 'Ukranian contemporary fiction novels' on floor 5, by the water coolers, specifically Aisle 521. Although, you might be more interested in the fictional and non-fictional books about homosexual culture in Aisle 356 on the third floor. My recommendation for you would be '_An Analysis of Gay Culture: The Basics' _but blue eyes might enjoy an autobiography like, _'The Quarterback Chronicles.'_

"Okay, " Naruto shrugged, dragging a very shame-faced Uchiha up the stairs to the third floor. He only caught on to the other's embarrassment when the librarian called, "Unfortunately, babe, there's no aisle here for _LUBE!"_

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_**A/N:** Yaoi-fangirl!Ino is like, my most favorite thing ever, I feature her in a lot of my fics! As a rule though, I like to try include and not bash on any of our lovely ladies even though I right a lot of SasukeXNaruto and other boyXboy pairings (I mean, why bash on Sakura when there's creeps like Orochimaru to insult?) _

_Lol, I hope this chapter brought a smile to your face! Please leave a review with your thoughts/comments/questions. I've actually got a question FOR you guys though so maybe you can answer it? Anyways the question is: Do you like Naruto or Sasuke better and why?_

_Or you can drop a favourite/follow if you liked it but didn't REALLY like, or don't know what to say, or hate Naruto AND Sasuke and got lost on this website but found this piece funny or are a bit lazy (I feel you)._


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